What if you had a Pause button?

Are You Reacting or Responding?

One of the themes I notice with my lovely clients, is the wish they have to understand the ‘why’s’ of some of their thoughts and actions after breast cancer. They can find themselves in situations where they want and wish to have reacted differently to a challenge but just don’t seem able to. 

Snapping or going quiet when people say the wrong thing. How we react when scans loom on the calendar. The many ways our bodies can surprise us after going through treatment. Some days are harder than they should be.

You've been through something that rewires you from the inside out. The diagnosis, treatment, sitting in waiting rooms, waiting for results, living with side effects and the ever present fear. And now, on the other side (or somewhere in the middle) life keeps happening.

And sometimes, before you've even had a moment to think, you're already reacting. Maybe snapping at someone you love, spiralling into worst-case thinking at 2am or shutting down when you actually wanted to speak up.

This isn't weakness or failure. It's totally normal and is what happens when a nervous system has been through something enormous.

Why reactivity runs so deep after breast cancer

A cancer diagnosis doesn't just affect the body, it reshapes the way the mind works. For many of us, the threat response stays switched on long after active treatment ends. This can take the form of scanxiety, hypervigilance about physical symptoms, grief for the life you had before (see this article), or the previous version of yourself that felt invincible.

Add to that the habitual thinking that gets laid down through the experience:

“I should be grateful to survive, so I shouldn't feel this way.”

 “My body betrayed me.”

“I'm a burden to people who love me.”

“I have to stay strong.”

and before you know it, you have a set of automatic patterns that quietly drive reactions before you've had a chance to choose anything at all.

These thoughts feel like facts, but they're not. They're stories your mind learned to tell under extraordinary pressure. But, thankfully, stories can be rewritten; not by pretending they aren't there, but by learning to notice them before they take over.

Introducing the STOPP technique

This is one of favourite coaching tools. STOPP is a simple, research-backed technique from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, designed for exactly those moments when the automatic reaction kicks in and you need a way back to yourself. It takes less than a minute to do and with practice, it can become your new habit.

Each letter is a step:

S — Stop

Just pause. Don’t take any action or make any decisions. Simply interrupt the momentum.

T — Take a breath

Take 3 slow, deliberate breaths. This activates your body's natural calming system and signals to your nervous system that you are safe in this moment. It can be helpful to put a hand on your heart and actually say to yourself “in this moment, I am safe”. Or sit down and feel the ground beneath your feet. Bring yourself back into the present moment.

O — Observe

What's actually happening inside you? Notice how your body feels, is it tight or tingly, warm, cold? What thoughts are you having and what emotions are rising? You don't need to fix it, just name it. I'm noticing anxiety. I'm noticing the thought that something is wrong. Simply witnessing what's there, without judgment, takes away some of its power.

P — Pull back for Perspective

Zoom out gently. I like to imagine I’m a bird in the sky looking down at myself, rather than getting caught up in the echo chamber of my busy mind.

Ask yourself: Is this thought a fact, or a fear? What would I say to a friend who was thinking this? How much of this is about right now, and how much is the echo of everything I've been through? This step doesn't dismiss your feelings, it helps you see them more clearly.

P — Proceed

Now you can act. But this time it’s from choice, not from autopilot. Ask: What's the most helpful thing I can do right now? What response actually serves me here? Sometimes that's setting a boundary, reaching out to a friend or simply letting the moment pass.

Why It Works

When we name what we're feeling, research shows that the brain's alarm centre (the amygdala) becomes less activated. So just observing ourselves is calming and it stops us from over identifying with the thought or feeling we’re having.

When we start to question the habitual thoughts that going through breast cancer treatment can intensify, we gradually loosen their grip on how we respond. It just creates a small but significant gap between what triggers you and what you do next, and in that gap is your agency, something cancer can make you feel you've lost, but which is always still there.

Why not have a go?

You don't need a crisis to practice this. Start with the small moments or use it to look back at moments you wish you had responded differently.

Pause. Breathe. Observe. Perspective. Proceed.

Write the letters somewhere you'll see them so it can become a gentle habit.

Podcast

I co-host a podcast ‘Breast Cancer Coaches’ with 2 amazing fellow breast cancer survivors, Amy and Rachael. We do a deep dive into a different issue each week, talking about our own experiences as well as putting on our coach hats to provide top tips and tools.

It’s available on Spotify or Apple, here is a link to our latest episode on Forgiveness.