Acceptance VS Resistance after breast cancer

...and the emotions that come up from this.

I have been doing a lot of reading lately around the topic of acceptance and it has really struck a chord with me. Acceptance can feel like such a simple word, but it’s one of the hardest parts of life after breast cancer.

For the first couple of years after finishing treatment, I remember feeling desperate to try to fit back into my old life, to ‘move on,’ but I wasn’t really able to.

It’s not that I was in denial about what had happened to me, I just didn’t want to accept what having cancer meant for me and the rest of my life. I wanted this chapter to be over and put immense pressure on myself to do everything I could to make that happen.

I was not being gentle or kind to myself. I was living in a world of ‘shoulds’.

I ‘should’ feel less tired by now. I ‘should’ be back to going out with friends until midnight on a Saturday night. I ‘should’ be eating a plant based only diet.

It sounds as much fun as it was!

But what I spent practically no time thinking about, was acceptance. And I don’t mean, telling myself everything is fine and carrying on. I mean the kind of radical acceptance where you look at your situation exactly as it is and try to find peace with it, not pushing it away, covering it up, or soldiering on. Choosing to focus on the meaning that an experience has in our life and how we want to let it impact us going forward.

Psychologist Janina Scarlet, in her book It Shouldn’t Be This Way, (which I highly recommend by the way) describes acceptance as allowing yourself to experience life as it is, even when it isn’t how you wanted or expected it to be.

It’s the courage to say:

I didn’t choose this, but I can still choose how I respond.

'It shouldn't be this way' by Janina Scarlet

The more we fight against our reality, the harder it pushes back. What’s happened has happened, we cannot change it. But we can change how we relate to it.

What practising acceptance does is allow us to live with what actually is. How we actually feel, physically, mentally and emotionally. Now, after going through cancer you may actually find it quite difficult to know exactly what it is you are feeling. And that’s both normal and ok. You got your head down during treatment and got on with it.

But as the dust settles after treatment ends (which takes as long as it takes, there is no timeline here) it’s helpful to spend some time in reflection. Quiet time just for you to figure out what’s real for you now instead of what you wish it was instead. You can do this through journaling, speaking to a trusted friend or through creativity, writing or art, it’s up to you.

Then give yourself permission to feel all the emotions that come with accepting what actually is; sadness, anger, relief, fear, gratitude, frustration; all of it. Emotions aren’t good or bad; they’re simply signals. It’s by letting ourselves feel them that we can begin to heal.

When strong emotions arise, it’s natural to want to push them away, especially after everything you’ve already been through. But denying what you feel often gives those emotions more power beneath the surface. Instead, try pausing for a moment and simply acknowledging what’s there: 

“This is anger,” “This is sadness,” “This is fear.” 

You don’t have to fix it or judge it, just notice it. By allowing yourself to feel without resistance, you create space for the emotion to move through you rather than get stuck.

Sit with it a while, speak kindly to it, let it know it’s allowed. You don't have to like it, but you can choose to be gentle with yourself about it. Try not to berate yourself, instead speak to yourself as you would a friend. If someone you loved told you they were feeling low, would you tell them to buck up their ideas? Of course not! I imagine you would speak to them gently, say soothing words of encouragement or just sit with them.

You deserve this same treatment.

Instead of ‘I am anxious and I hate it,’ you could try: ‘I feel anxious today, and that’s okay. I choose to be gentle with myself about it’. Soften towards it. It’s a part of you and there's nothing wrong with that. Over time, this practice helps you build trust in your ability to handle whatever arises.

Some days this practice may seem impossible and that is ok too. But don’t give up. It takes time and self-compassion to change the way we relate to our experiences and what emotions come up as a result. But I promise, once you start down the path of acceptance, it’s a powerful step towards peace.

If you would like to talk to me directly about how this could apply to your life, please do get in touch for a free, no obligation chat.

You’re very welcome here.

Book a free chat with me!