Redefining you: the challenge of navigating change

Life after breast cancer can feel like walking into a room where everything looks familiar, but nothing is quite the same. On the surface, you’re still you; the same name, the same smile, the same relationships, yet deep down, there’s a sense that something fundamental has shifted. And that’s because it has. Cancer changes you. Not always in ways you’d choose, and not always in ways that are easy to explain to other people, but in ways that are very real.

I remember when treatment ended, I expected to feel relieved, free, ready to jump back into life. But instead, I crashed. I didn’t know who I was anymore or what my role in life was. The world thinks you should be “back to normal,” but the truth is that the old normal no longer exists. I couldn’t just snap back to who I was before — I had to slowly and gently, figure out who I was now.

That process is what I like to call redefining you.

Grieving the Old Life

Let’s start with something that often gets overlooked: grief. Not grief in the traditional sense, but grief for the life you had and the person you were before breast cancer. The body that worked differently. The ease you once felt about the future. The relationships that may have changed, or the career that no longer fits.

It’s okay to mourn those things. In fact, it’s important. Grief isn’t something you have to rush through or “get over” and you certainly don’t need to feel guilty for feeling this way. It’s a process of acknowledging that something has been lost — and at the same time, making space for what comes next. Too often, women are told to “just be grateful you’re alive.” Gratitude matters, of course, but it doesn’t cancel out grief. The two can sit side by side.

The Big Question: Who Am I Now?

A common feeling after breast cancer is a kind of identity wobble. You might find yourself thinking, “I don’t quite recognise myself anymore.” For some, that’s about physical changes — scars, hair, body shape. For others, it’s more about personality and outlook. Things you once cared about may now feel trivial. Situations you once tolerated may now feel impossible.

And while that can be unsettling, it can also be an opportunity. Identity work isn’t about erasing who you were. It’s about rediscovering the core of you — the values, the passions, the priorities — and letting them guide how you want to live now. Cancer has a way of stripping away the unnecessary. It asks you, often quite bluntly: what really matters to me?

Finding Your Values Again

When you sit with that question, answers begin to emerge. Maybe it’s family. Maybe it’s health, freedom, creativity, peace, or connection. Most of us have an idea of our values, but cancer has a way of reshuffling the deck.

One woman I worked with told me she used to define herself by her job title, but after treatment, she realised that what mattered more was her time with her children. Another found that she cared less about being busy and more about being calm. Someone else rediscovered her love of painting, something she hadn’t picked up since school.

Your values are like a compass. They give you a direction to follow when the old map no longer makes sense. Once you’re clear on what matters most, decisions — big and small — become easier.

To find out what your values are now, go to: https://personalvalu.es/ 

Living With a New Normal

Of course, knowing your values doesn’t mean everything suddenly feels easy. Living with a “new normal” (a divisive term I know) is about adjusting, bit by bit, to the life you have now. That might mean pacing yourself differently, finding new routines, or giving yourself more rest than before.

It’s natural to feel frustrated by this. You might wish you could get back to the energy levels or certainty you once had. But part of creating a new normal is about setting realistic expectations and allowing yourself to move forward at your own pace. Think of it as building a bridge; not leaping across in one bound, but laying one plank at a time until you’re on steadier ground.

Looking Ahead

Once you’ve grieved the old and started to settle into the new, a natural next step is to ask:

What do I want from life now?

This isn’t about making huge five-year plans (unless that excites you). It’s about small, gentle goals that give you a sense of direction without overwhelming you. For instance, you might decide you want to rebuild your strength by going for a short walk three times a week. Or you might want to explore creativity, so you sign up for a pottery class. Or maybe it’s simply creating more calm, so you practise a grounding exercise when worry creeps in.

Small steps matter. They add up. And each time you reach a little goal, it gives you confidence to keep going.

Joy as Part of Healing

There’s something else that deserves attention: joy. After breast cancer, joy can feel elusive — almost indulgent. Some women worry that allowing themselves to feel joy is tempting fate. Others feel guilty for celebrating when they know others are still struggling.

But joy is not a luxury; it’s part of healing. It doesn’t have to be grand. It might be as simple as laughing at a silly TV show, feeling the sun on your face, or dancing in the kitchen to a favourite song. These moments matter. They remind you that even after everything, life can still surprise you. And recognising joy doesn’t mean forgetting the pain — it means allowing light to shine through alongside it. To read more, see my blog on finding positivity.

Shifts in Relationships

One of the hardest things about survivorship is noticing how relationships change. Some people will step closer; they’ll show up, listen, and stay. Others may drift away, unable to handle feeling uncomfortable about what’s happened to you.

That can be painful. It can also be clarifying. You start to see who truly sustains you, and who perhaps takes more than they give. In families, roles can shift too. You may find yourself moving between being the carer and being cared for, and that can feel strange.

This is where boundaries come in. Part of redefining yourself is deciding what you will and won’t accept, who you want close, and how you want to invest your time and energy in relationships that feel nourishing. Learning how to say no is a powerhouse.

Changes in Career and Purpose

Work is another area where change often shows up. Some women find a new determination to return to their jobs, craving routine and purpose. Others feel their old career no longer fits, either because of physical limitations, fatigue, or simply a change in priorities.

There’s no right or wrong answer here. For some, it’s about negotiating flexible hours or adjustments. For others, it’s about retraining or stepping into something entirely new. And for some, it’s about slowing down altogether. What matters is that your choices reflect your values now, not who you thought you had to be before.

Moving Forward

Redefining yourself after breast cancer isn’t about pretending nothing happened, nor is it about being endlessly positive. It’s about acknowledging what’s been lost, exploring what matters most, and creating space for who you’re becoming.

Yes, there will be grief. Yes, there will be moments of fear and frustration. But alongside that, there can also be clarity, courage, joy, and growth.

So if you find yourself wondering who you are now, know that you don’t have to have all the answers straight away. Take it one step at a time. Let your values guide you. Set small, compassionate goals. Notice moments of joy. And remember: your new normal doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. It just has to feel true to you.

Working with me

Are you ready to embrace life after breast cancer?

We all deserve support for life after breast cancer and as someone who as walked the path themselves, I am in a unique position to provide that support. 

By booking my Moving Beyond coaching package, you will get 6 x 1hr personalised coaching sessions with me where we will explore how life is for you right now and what might be holding you back from the life you want going forward, before getting excited about making plans for the future you deserve.

Find out more