Grief, loss, and learning to meet yourself where you are after breast cancer

I want to talk about something that comes up often in my coaching sessions, yet many of my lovely clients struggle to name for themselves, and that is grief after breast cancer.

We tend to think of grief as something we only experience after the death of a loved one. But in reality, grief is the heart’s response to any loss. And wow, does breast cancer come with a boatload of loss.

Some of the most obvious losses are physical. Changes to or loss of our breasts. Weight going up or down. Losing our hair. Menopausal side effects. Scars.

For me, though, I struggled most with the loss of my identity, the person I believed myself to be. The person I was pre cancer was not the person I was afterwards. I became anxious. I lost my drive for work. I no longer enjoyed socialising late into the night. And I lost the innocence I once had about the future of my health.

But did I give myself time to grieve this loss? Of course not.

Instead, I beat myself up. I went straight to the 'shoulds'.

I 'should' be able to work an eight hour shift. I used to be able to.I 'should' be able to stay out with my friends at the pub, having fun like I did before.

But putting “should” in front of something does not make it real or true.

Hello guilt. Hello frustration.

Can you relate?

One of the biggest and most painful sources of grief is the loss of the future you thought you were going to have. We may not all be long term planners, but most of us held some idea of what our future would look like. And then cancer comes along and changes that.

There is, sadly, no going back to a life that has not had cancer in it. It can change how we view our careers, our relationships, and how we relate to the world.

Now, this newsletter is not meant to be all doom and gloom. Instead, the aim is to help us recognise the importance of the losses we have experienced and how vital it is to grieve them. This is not something to brush past or push down, no matter how long ago your diagnosis was.

It is real, and you have full permission to feel however you want to feel about it. Sad. Frustrated. Grateful. Angry. Allow yourself to feel the feelings. Give yourself the time and space you need to grieve.

Easier said than done though, right?

This is often where expectations come in, from ourselves and from others. To move past it. To get on with life. To get back to normal.

But healing is not linear and it cannot be rushed. It is also very difficult to move forward if we have not allowed ourselves to grieve what we have lost.

So what helps? 

Here are a few gentle starting points, with links if you would like to explore further.

1. Feel it to heal it

When we resist our emotions and our grief, those feelings do not just disappear. What we push down tends to come back up. Honouring your grief, sitting with it, and letting it pass through you without pushing it away can be a powerful step.https://therapyinanutshell.com/how-to-feel-your-feelings/

 2. Recognise how your thoughts are affecting you

Grief is a natural and normal reaction to loss. There is nothing wrong with how you feel. What often keeps us stuck is how we talk to ourselves about how we feel.

Are you kind to yourself about how loss has affected you, or is your internal voice quite harsh?

Our thoughts shape our experience, but thoughts are not facts. Simply noticing them can be powerful. With time, we can learn to interrupt unhelpful thought patterns and gently replace them with ones that are more supportive and compassionate.https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/self-help-cbt-techniques/reframing-unhelpful-thoughts/

3. Working on acceptance

Acceptance does not mean you are happy about what happened or that you would not change it if you could. It simply means acknowledging what is true right now, without constantly fighting it.

 What we resist often persists.

Acceptance can look like letting go of the version of you that you thought you should be, and slowly getting curious about the version of you that exists now. When we accept where we are physically, emotionally, and mentally, we create space for healing. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-radical-acceptance-5120614/

4. Using what you have been through as an opportunity for growth

So who is this version of you now? What has going through cancer taught you about yourself, about who you are at your core, what matters most to you, and how you want your life to look going forward?

Cancer can be an unexpected pause button. A chance to step off the hamster wheel and begin shaping a life that feels more authentic and aligned. It can deepen compassion, strengthen relationships, and give us a new appreciation for life, even alongside the grief.

I hope you found something helpful here, no matter how small. I would love to hear how you have dealt with grief and loss. Is it something you have even thought about before? Pop me a reply if you fancy a chat about it.

Take care, Kirstie ❤️

The Beyond Breast Cancer Coach